Learning to be grateful ( Under construction)

I have so much to be thankful for. It’s so hard when you hear some shady shit not to react. So today, I’m just gonna sit in this space where I know what’s really going on. Sorry but some of this may be NSFW.

I can write my ass off. I know that sounds self-aggrandizing – but I am good at what I do. Whether or not that shit sells is irrelevant. My reviews speak for themselves .
I am healthy- I quit smoking, I work out every day. I do yoga and try and clear my head and find my center. And I find it. And I lose it. And I find it again.
I’ve been working on myself – introspection has brought forth a lot of breakthroughs that has lead to some hurt but also a lot of healing as well.
I have a few close friends- a tight group of people I associate with. Mass groups of people and being in large groups don’t make me feel popular. It makes me feel like I am strapped to an atomic bomb that’s waiting to go off. Too much anxiety.
I am not perfect – I fuck up sometimes. I say some stupid stuff sometimes that I don’t mean in the heat of the moment. But I embrace my mistakes and own them. So trying to hang shit over my head is sort of worthless. I’ve implemented parts of a 12 step Alcoholics Anonymous program for sanity’s sake. I come from a world of secrets and secrets when they get too deep eat away at you like cancer.
I have an amazing husband. A great marriage. We work hard on making each other happy. And like Beyonce says, “When he fucks me good I take his ass to Red Lobster.” I get that statement 100 percent. I’ve known a lot of gay relationships that don’t make it because of outside influences and pressure and I can’t guarantee 100 percent that we will – but if there is one attribute I have is bullheadedness. I take my vows extremely serious.
There are times I’ve been a misogynist, a bigot, a racist, or how about worse- a homophobe. But there are times everyone has. I’m not afraid to own that. But the difference is I have a constant dialogue going on in my head trying to fix these things that I find errant. Just because I have this conversation going on here – on occasion – don’t mean that chapter has been closed and that book written. Can you say the same? It’s called change. You should probably look that up.
I am both arrogant and humble. Sinner and Saint. An educated fool. There is a paradox of life that I’ve embraced and I’m cool with that and recognize I’ve no more ‘arrived’ than anyone else and understand that everything I am can be taken in an instant. That’s just life. And I’ve had the rug ripped out from underneath me on several occasions. That shit will keep you humble.
And just like every other time in my life – I’ve learned to be thankful for it. That’s the hard part. Finding moments like that – even when everything is fifty shades of black – something to be grateful for. And what I am MOST grateful for is those who’ve stuck it out with me over the course of these couple of years of writing. That means the world to me.
I am grateful to my friends – my loyal readers (all seven of you), my life.
But if I’ve offended anyone in the past. Let me take a second and apologize for you that I am a work in progress and I am always trying to better myself.
But as far as I am concerned, that’s over with. It’s time to move on. I am all about love these days. That’s the only way to fix anything. But when the sun sets, even if I were to lose everything, I got me. I got this. Because I am me. And what is that? A powerful, intelligent, passionate gay man who’s navigated this world with as much grace and dignity as I could. I am myself. In the end, that’s good enough for me.

F.E.

Feelin’ this pretty hard today.

5 thoughts on “Learning to be grateful ( Under construction)

  1. Freddy this post made me so happy! Happy that you seem to be in a good moment in your life-all you said was beautiful. Let me add that I’ve never felt offended by anything you’ve ever said. You never say things with a mean spirit and that makes all the difference. Love your poetry and the passionate way you face life.
    Keep at it!!

    Liked by 1 person

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